you're so very--nevermind
I REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT MY WEDDING TO CAPTAIN VON TRAPP HAS BEEN CANCELED. ›
Dear friends, family, and Austrian nobility,
Captain Von Trapp and I are very sorry to inform you that we no longer plan to wed. We offer our deepest apologies to those of you who have already made plans to travel to Salzburg this summer.
Those of you on the Captain’s side of the guest list are probably aware of the reason for the change of plans. I’m sure by now you have received that charming “Save the date!” card in the shape of a mountain goat from the Captain and his new fiancée, Maria.
I must confess to being rather blindsided by the end of our relationship. It seems Captain Von Trapp and I misunderstood each other. I assumed he was looking for a wife of taste and sophistication, who was a dead ringer for Tippi Hedren; instead he wanted to marry a curtain-wearing religious fanatic who shouts every word she says.
But I don’t want you to be angry at him. We are all adults here. “But Baroness,” so many of my friends have said, “you must be devastated. You yourself are fabulously wealthy, so you cannot have wanted the Captain for his money—you must have truly loved him.” It’s true. But so, I am sure, does his new fiancée, his children’s nanny. Her wardrobe is made of curtains. She’s definitely not a gold digger or anything.
I’m sorry. That was crude of me. She seems like a lovely person, and she and the children have a great deal in common.
A great, great, great deal.
Since I will no longer be a part of their lives, I do hope you will all keep an eye on the Captain’s children. I am not terribly maternal but I was very fond of them in my own way and I must admit I am worried what will become of them now that I have gone. I had planned to send them to boarding school, since their education at the moment seems to consist mostly of marching around Salzburg singing scales. I think it would have been particularly helpful for the eldest daughter, who seems intent on losing her virginity to the mailman.
Please, friends, don’t worry about me. While I was a bit startled to be thrown aside for someone who flunked out of nun school, I assure you that I will be fine, and my main pursuits in life shall continue to be martinis, bon mots, and looking fabulous. You’ll also be glad to know I have retained custody of the Captain’s hard-drinking gay friend, Max. Anyone who gets tired of sing-a-longs should feel free to look us up.
Again, my deepest apologies for this disruption to your plans. I am currently sorting through the wedding gifts we’ve already received and I will send them back as soon as possible. The Captain would help, but he is busy learning to play a song about cuckoo clocks on his guitar.
Sincerely,
Baroness Elsa Schraeder
(via theparadoxymoron)
okay so I’ve made a really strenuous effort to find good macarons here and either I’m really unlucky and come at bad times or it’s the climate or it’s just not gonna happen
a side note on vocabulary though; yes when you have two words that mean exactly the same thing with one being simple and well known and the other one a little long a messy looking, it seems superfluous and frankly a little stupid to need both.
In many languages synonyms for “sad” aren’t just words that mean sad but are spelled with eight times as many letters; they each have these nuanced definitions that leave little room for miscommunicated connotations. Chinese has tens of thousands of characters and extremely particular phrases where four words describe what would take me paragraphs to explain in English, and with no chance of disconnect, unlike my translated counterpart.
The way English is used commonly and taught tends to focus little on personal differences, and words like healthy are used with a wide umbrella of meanings and therefore no one really /needs/ to know what the nuances of salubrious are, because we are all still guessing at what healthy means.
(via kaitlin-kelly)
- dutch coworker: *steps out of conference room* [name] could I ask you a quick question?
- german coworker: ok
- dutch coworker: *stands here*
- german coworker: yeah, ask D:
- dutch coworker: D: in theree
- interior designer: we did this gorgeous room with 11 shades of white
- me: we need to add [inconvenient thing]
- boss: *scrunches face up at spreadsheet* can we do that without changing anything
- me: uh
- me: no
- boss: *combs hair in frustration*
u ok
omg this is the first thing everyone who saw me this morning said to me apparently i looked like a zombie walking in
- aunt: I work really hard not to gain any weight so I don't have to waste time shopping or increase closet space
- german coworker: taxes are always very emotional
sher2win asked: One time in high school I broke a kid's arm during gym class. We were playing soccer outside on the field and I was in net. He jumps out of nowhere onto my back and I instinctively toss him right over, judo throw style. He lands on his arm funny and with a loud crack, it's broken. I was barely friends with the kid too; he told people he broke it playing "soccer", oops.
OMFG YOU BROKE HIS ARM WTF
I think I closed a door on my sister’s finger once :( she was so tiny that apparently didn’t even touch her bone it just flattened her finger and she had a TAT look on her face for hours but was just sort of frozen in shock
- me: do you eat cream puffs
- german coworker: what is that
- me: wow don't talk to me
1 week ago on May 14, 2013 at 01:37pm
5 notes & Comments
if you ever think mythology is boring or serious business or whatever shit
just remember that cerberus, the hell-hound and guard dog of the underworld, comes from the root indo-european word ḱerberos, which evolved into the greek word kerberos, which got changed to cerberus when it went from greek to latin
ḱerberos means “spotted”
that’s right
hades, lord of the dead, literally fucking named his pet dog spot
(via mirroir)
Teens aren’t abandoning “social.” They’re just using the word correctly. ›
My pal Cliff wrote this excellent piece last week, it’s such an incisive view of the social bubble.
